Monday, June 7, 2010

back to the basics

Yes, I've been absent for quite some time now. There are many reasons for this vacation from my postings including the end of school, due dates, vacation, and being down in the dumps. So forgive me and let's get on with it.

I've put together a whole list of insights that I want to post on and will try to work my way through these treasures in the next few weeks. However, first I'm going to begin with what I've entitled "back to the basics." I know, it sounds like we're going to dive into our multiplication tables or practice cursive. The basics that I'm talking about are our roots as in home.

Recently I returned from a wonderful trip home to Omaha, NE for two beautiful weddings. I'll blog about these later. I came home not in the greatest of spirits. Over the past three years I've gotten into the habit of being anxious and was just trying to heal from a particularly painful experience. In the past, home has not always been helpful. However, I've learned some things over the years and I've learned more about myself and this time, home was exactly what I needed.

There was of course moments of frustration and anger (that's what family is for right?!), but home gave me the opportunity to find myself again. And when I say find myself I really mean find myself. I've spent three years scourging every nook and cranny of my being. And I'm finally allowing myself to let go of it all little by little. Moments spent reflecting on love, conversations with my family, scattered sentences penned into my journal, and yes, watching the new show Losing It With Jillian all impacted me in profound ways. You can knock the show all you want, but I am huge believer in using our bodies to push us through the hard stuff and learning to believe in ourselves again.

Anyway, Jillian is pushing one of the family members in a sit-up exercise. This girl used to be fat until recently when she had gastric bypass surgery. She still thinks of herself as this fat girl with issues. Jillian is forcing her to push through the pain of doing sit-ups and this girl just doesn't believe in herself. She is not willing to really take a chance, believe in herself, and believe that this new life is possible for her. Jillian stops her where she is and implores her to just let go and believe in herself.

Well, by this time I'm in tears ( I cry at probably every episode ) and I'm thinking to myself... Amanada, what the hell are you doing with yourself. You need to believe in yourself, you need to let go, you need to believe that the life you desire is really and truly possible. Amanda, you need to get back to the basics and let go. Wow! I know it's sappy. But it's incredibly revelatory and intensely difficult. But I'm on that journey, I'm stepping forward into the life I desire and I'm going to try so very hard to believe in myself. Sometimes it just takes an experience of coming back to your roots, being reminded of what's most important, and pushing yourself to destroy the wall you have created in order to step into a new way of living.